I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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