You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
