Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize