I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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