eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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