Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
