Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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