i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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