He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
