my soul wont recognize me after tonight
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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