I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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