my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My day in three words: secret purse cake
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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