My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
