It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
