Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
