I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize