i need an iv and a liver transplant
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
