Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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