Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
