Soap is not a condiment
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
