I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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