I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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