I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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