1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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