life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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