She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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