1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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