You're so nebulous sometimes
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
