I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
