Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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