Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My vagina is officially offended.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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