Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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