After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
