I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
