So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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