Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
