Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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