a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
