If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
