Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
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