I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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