Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
