I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
