i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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