my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
