So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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