There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
