I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
