I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
