I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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