my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
