you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize