my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Randomize
