I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
