remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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