he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
