Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
