I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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