I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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