I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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