So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
