sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
