Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I need a beard to bite.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
