apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
